i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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