is your mom at the bar?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This is my gift to your gina
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
