I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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