I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
