i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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