I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish my penis had an off switch
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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