The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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