Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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