my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
