i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
