You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
