One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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