the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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