theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His hands were made for my vagina.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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