apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
