I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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