He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just gift wrapped bread.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
