The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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