so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
