had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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