Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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