How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
