there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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