i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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