Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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