when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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