I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
