this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
