I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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