So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize