Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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