Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
