Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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