Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
