just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
