either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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