these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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