i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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