Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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