Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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