I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
