My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
