just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
