speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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