Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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