The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
