do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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