I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
