Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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