Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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