I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
