my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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