the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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