I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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