After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
