Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
