I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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